The Tapestry

      Recently, a dear friend of mine gave me the opportunity to share something that has been rolling around in my head and heavy upon my heart.  She and I have been friends for a V-E-R-Y long time...such a treasure it is that we have in this friendship of ours!  The friendship has span many milestones such as college, football games, marriages, the Air Force and the Army, camping trips, babies, deployments, states, countries, and continents.  Our hearts are entwined by the wonder of Facebook, the pages of our blogs, a life changing book, and most importantly, the Grace of God.  When I recently shared this note with her, I knew that it was not just for her.  It was for many of you.  Ultimately, though, God used this note to speak to me.  Amazingly, as I typed the words, I could hear the LORD speaking to me.  My fingers flew across the keyboard, not only for my friend and for some of you, but for my heart as well.  My sweet friend has granted me permission to re-post this very personal note I shared with her.  Oh, how it has ministered to my anxious heart!  The heart that knits and weaves and embellishes the fabric that is my life.    

       When David was in full contemplation about retiring, I know that I heard God.  I had such a sense of peace about the unknowns.  I was at peace about being jobless, homeless, "pointless" in a way, (meaning not on "point", or in any one direction.)  I was SOOOOO okay with all of that.  There were so many things that were confirmation for me....Confirmation of Scripture that would appear in devotionals; Counsel of Others - strangers and friends saying things that pointed us in the direction of retirement; Circumstances - things were lining up perfectly for a retirement date of November, but we would be "out" by August ~ just in time for school; and Conviction of my Heart - I knew this was the decision because I felt as though God had whispered words to my very heart.  

     I have used the above "4 C's" in all big decisions ever since it was first taught to me years ago in Germany. I can only think of one other time when my "4 C's" lined up for something and it did not come to pass.  All other times the "4 C's" have not led me astray. (and the time it did not come to pass ~ I still question as to why?)  Ultimately, when the "4 C's" do not work toward the goal you thought you were being led towards, you stand there dumbfounded, confused, and reeling in emotion .  The logical does not match up to the illogical.  You wonder what people are thinking and are left exclaiming, "How could this be?"   In my case, a tantrum followed.  Not pretty ~ kicking, screaming, crying, yelling. Ugly.

     I think when we are left in these moments of uncertainty, we just have to cling.  Cling to the Goodness of God.  Cling to Father knows best.  Cling to the Infinite Mind, the All-Knowing Heart.  Cling. Grip tightly. Hold fast.  It is in the clinging that we trust....or we are at the very least, learning to trust through the clinging.

     In Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts, there were so many great things that spoke to my heart.  A few things though, stood out to me and they have to do with seeing God.  The first, is the understanding on a heart level, that "only in darkness can we truly see The Light"  Sweet sister,  I know it feels dark, but you've got a Night Light!!

     The other thing that I remember from the book was her notion that when we are in darkness, it is  merely the Glory of God that is passing us by....like being hidden in the cleft of the rock.  If we saw the Magnificence of God at this point, we would perish.  He is covering you with His mighty hand as He passes by and shields you.  Have you ever thought about that?  Remember the prophet Elijah....one of God's favorites....in the cleft of a rock?  God puts His hand over the opening.  Why?  For Elijah's safety.  But wait a minute....Elijah is His favorite!!  Don't you wonder if God showed great restraint as He passed by that cleft?  Don't you wonder if He didn't just want to take a small peek into that crevice and say,  "Heeeeellllllllooooo, my son!! I love you so!"   I think it would be like asking a little girl not to play with a kitten or asking a little boy not play with sticks and rocks!! The love, care, and concern far outweighed the temptation to want to see His beloved Elijah! Oh the deep, deep love of God!!

     The last thing that I carry with me from that book (believe me, I carry so much...quite possibly the best book I have EVER read!!) is the notion of the Tapestry.  Do you remember this?  I have put my own "Stefiness" on it, but it has truly helped me in dealing with this whole retirement situation.

     So the Tapestry....mine hangs above my head. It has been painted, woven, embellished as I go through life...adding my own touches as I see fit.  How I love to work on the Tapestry, creating it just so!  A work of art, I'm quite sure!  My accomplishments are there: my home, my children, my husband, my friends, my degrees, my religion, my activities, my heart.

  

    But wait!  What is that!?!?  A small tear?  Here, let me mend it.  

    There.     Much better.       Wait.       Is that another piece unraveling?

Where's my gold thread?  That will be fixed in a jiffy!   I'll add some tassels while I'm at it.  Ohhh....and some sparkely rhinestones will deflect attention away from that flaw.  

     But wait a minute.....what is that?     A GAPING HOLE!?!?!  Right in the middle of my Tapestry!!!! Surely that is a mistake!!! How will I ever mend that? My Tapestry is ruined!! I can't fix the beauty!!  The pieces are falling apart, flapping in the wind!!  I can see sky behind the whipping pieces!!  I'm not strong enough to bring the pieces back together again for mending!! I'm struggling just to hold it together!!!!

     Wait. 
                   Look. 
                                      Sky.   
                                                    Blue.
                                                                    Beyond.   Yes....beyond.
There is Something beyond my Tapestry.
                           And if I look there, beyond....
                                                                    I can see.......

                                               GOD!!!!

     He was there all along.  In the Beyond.  My beautiful Tapestry that He allowed me to create somehow shielded His Glory.  He loves me so that He allowed the gaping hole to form so that I would look through to Him.  I would see through....to Him.  I would see Beyond.

     So sweet sister, look.  Look Beyond.  I know it's hard.  It's even harder to struggle with those Tapestry pieces that are flapping in the wind.  Enjoy the view of Beyond.  In due time, God in His glorious love for you will help you stitch the Tapestry back together.  He knows how important it is to you.  He may even provide you with some new thread or fancy rhinestones!!
Just remember, when there is a hole in our Tapestry, it is really a
"Seeing through to God Place."  (That last part is from Ann's book and is truly what made the Tapestry scenario come alive in my mind and heart!)

     Keep looking.  
                         
                   Keep Searching.  


                                    He's waiting for you. 

                                                                   Just Beyond!

The list continues...

137.  Grace ~ All is Grace!

138.  Spring's first iris ~ and purple just for me!

139.  lemon-lime sparkling water ~ refreshing!

140.  refusing guilt

141.  learning to say "good-bye" to two of my closest companions ~ Approval Addict and People Pleaser

142.  In tears, a sister who is every sense and being of the word, minus the blood relation and DNA genetics that "this world" requires of the definition AND the true love that makes us family.

143.  Brilliant red of new oak leaves

144.  Beautiful pinks and purples of "tulip trees"

145.  Using fewer words to say much

146.  The smell of fresh cut grass

147.  How He Loves

148.  If GRACE is an ocean, we're all sinking

149.  Magnificently blue skies

150.  The faint, sweet smell of a holly bush in bloom

151.  Busy bees

152.  The lure of songbirds calling me to the forrest's edge

153.  The discovery of a single bird that sounds like an entire orchestra

154.  Pausing to hear!

155.  The warmth of a spring day

156.  The faint pink blossoms of a flowering cherry tree

157.  The exclamation of the Young One through bursts of intense laughter, "Mom, stop being so silly!! You are stinging my cheeks!"

158.  Sweet tea

159.  Family golf days

160.  Driving a golf cart~ especially through a mud puddle with a little girl laughing hysterically!

161.  Fog settling over a stream at dusk

162.  Big, bright moon on a clear, crisp evening

163.  Wisteria Everywhere!! Fragrant, royal, invasive!  Beauty that invades...ahh....to be like a wisteria vine!

164.  A white lily growing wild in an obscure location...none the less growing

165.  Discovering new settings on a camera

166.  Taking pictures ~ slowing down to really examine

167.  Looking at things from a different perspective

168.  The rustle of pampas grass blowing in the breeze

169.  Be STILL and  KNOW that I AM GOD

170.  Katy Dog!~ loyalty, companionship

171.  Doctor's appointments to find answers

172.  Being honored and able to pray specifically for a friend's son

173.  Husbands who care by being there

174.  Golf matches - even when they are cold

175.  Reconnecting with family

176.  Sunshine abundant!

177.  Children who learn willingly

178.  Little girls discovering the magic of "The Secret Garden"

179.  Sleeping in

180.  Lightbulb moments in learning

181.  Ten minutes of peace

182.  Cheese quesadillas

183.  Cleo kitty snugged up in a green fluffy blanket

184.  Flowers in a vase ~ beauty filling emptieness

185.  Husbands who show daughters that sometimes ugly behavior can be forgiven through God's grace, beauty, and flowers.

186.  Apologies

187.  Forgiveness ~ granted, received, unmerited

188.  Grace ~ All is grace