Trust

Okay, so as soon as I post my last entry, I am immediately challenged to find peace in the moments of my life.  I fail.  Initially, I would say those words and I would indeed feel peace wash over me.  Incredible feeling!  But then, life happened and I forgot.  I forgot the feeling.  I forgot the words.  I forgot the peace.

What did I remember? Anxiety, stress, worry...and I found it abundantly.  (Hey, when I go looking for something, I go all out!)

So several of you know this, several of you do not.  All of you know from my last post that the Koonce Family is headed for a season of change.  What some of you may not know is just exactly that season of change WAS appearing on the horizon to be.  For the past 2.5-3 months, the Koonce Family has been praying without ceasing (or so it seemed) about a HUGE decision that would affect all of our lives.  And no, it was NOT that we were adopting again! (Whew!)

The big decision that we have been grappling with is whether or not to RETIRE from the military after this assignment.  

For those of us that are either in the military or have been in the military, we know that it is an incredible life.  It takes you to exotic locations, allows you to meet "chosen family", and affords you an opportunity to look at the world and relationships in a way that many people either dream of, or they thank the LORD they are not a part of!  We have been blessed to be associated with the military for 21 years of Active Duty service.  Prior to that, many of you know that my David was a member of the Corps of Cadets and Fightin' Texas Aggie Band at Texas A & M University.  He has been in a uniform from the tender age of 18...26 years of not having to think about what to wear (except on Sunday and then he usually passes his chosen attire by the Fashion Queen and Coordinator...that would be Ashlyn!)

The military has been a world of blessing to us.  It has also been a world of sacrifice.  We have endured 9 moves, 11 homes, 7 deployments, and my David has had 16 Duty Locations.  The current location has a travel schedule that would make anyone not only lose their mind but lose track of the current month and date.  I find myself perpetually standing in front of "Command Central" calendar trying to figure out where my David is going, when he is going, what day he will be back, and by the way, "What day is it anyway?!!?"

That being said, I'm tired.  I'm tired of MANY things (eye rolling, back-talk, disrespect, laundry, toilet cleaning, just to name a few), but I'm really tired of separation.  And I'm REALLY tired of DEPLOYMENTS!!  I HATE them!! I hate them for our family, I hate them for other military families.  My heart breaks when my David leaves.  It breaks when I hear of other service members having to deploy.  I am so VERY grateful for our service members and I pray for their safety everyday.  I pray for the families that are left behind to carry on the mission that is back here on the home front.  I know what they go through.  It is a painful, tearful, worry-filled, tiresome time and mission. I also know that with staying in the military, we are almost guaranteed another deployment.  In fact, statistically, we are almost guaranteed another two deployments.  And statistically, we are almost guaranteed another three moves.  Reread that....1-2 deployments, 3 moves, 5 years.  Do the math. 

So about 3 months ago, God orchestrated several events and conversations that led me and my David to actively, prayerfully, tearfully, worryfully (I know-not a word, but go with it) begin to REALLY think that, we were in fact, going to RETIRE from the military after this assignment. We wanted to make sure that we were praying...just God, my David, and myself...for about a months time. We eventually told a few friends that we were considering it and asked them to fervently pray for us.  Then, we actually started looking into ACAP (Army Career and Alumni Program) meetings.  My David attended several of these meetings, planned out a date of retirement, figured finances, worked on resumes, looked at potential employers, scheduled medical appointments, and above all prayed.  We told our parents and received encouragement and advice from them.  We came to "We will go WHEREVER you want us to go LORD! Send us anywhere, as long as we are in YOUR will."  We fervently prayed for clarity.  We prayed for doors to be closed and THE door to be opened.  It seemed as though God had His hand on everything.  It seemed as though, if there was ever any doubt, God would send a "little coincidence" or "God instance" as my David likes to call them, our way to keep us focused and let us know we were on the right path.  I even replied to a friend that we were "one meeting away from David dropping the paperwork."  We attended that meeting and the "next day" was the next day.  I was ready. I was nervous. I was excited. I was fearful. Above all, I was trusting. Ultimately, I had a dream and it was about to be achieved.  My dream of NO DEPLOYMENTS was about to be executed! I was excited that the cloud of deployment would forever vanish from my sky.  I was nervous about our decision, but I felt that the fear was merely because, for so many years, the Army has told us what to do and we dutifully obeyed and trusted God along the way.  I was able to conquer the nerves and fears with simple thoughts of "No Deployments!"  We were on our way!

And then it all changed.  I'm not even sure anymore of the sequence of events.  I know that a phone call from the assignments branch was either made or received.  I know that my David spoke with two mentors.  I know that numbers were crunched, pros and cons re-examined, wish lists ripped up.  I know that suddenly, a long 4-day weekend turned into 4 LONG days of tears, sleepless nights, screaming, crying, wailing, stomach aches, tears, heart aches, exhaustion, tears, pleading, stomping, door slamming, persuasion tactics, leaving, and even more tears. 

In the end, a statement was made.  We will NOT retire from the military after this assignment.

For me, the cloud of deployment is looming once again over my head. I rejoin the ranks of military spouses who are waiting for their loved one to return or waiting for the orders to come that their loved one is deploying one more time.  Ironically, but not at all any less tragically, we deployed one of our very own soldiers from our battalion just today.  My David is now without his Executive Officer, a wife is without her husband, and two little girls are without their daddy.  My heart is breaking.  And I am praying.

To say I am okay with the decision would give every one of you permission to call me a liar.  I am NOT okay with the decision.  I do not like it one bit. I am angry, crushed, exhausted, frustrated, mad, and sad about the decision.  I feel as though I have been on a roller coaster ride.  Or perhaps it is best described as sitting on the end of a pendulum which has swung from one end of life to the other.  I have never cried so much about something.  I truly think I have reached a point where I could not produce a single tear even if there was a million dollars at stake.  As I told my David, I am gaining acceptance OF the decision, but I have no peace WITH the decision.  

I love my David beyond words.  Our love for one another and for Our LORD has never wavered in this process.  I respect my David beyond any degree that a person could have respect for another individual.  I know that this decision has been one of the most difficult for him to make.  I know and am resting in the fact, that He has been before the very throne of GOD begging for our family.  I know that his responsibility for us is far greater than any responsibility that I may ever have.  He has to answer to GOD on behalf of our family.  I know, that beyond a shadow of a doubt, I would not want to be in his shoes right now.  

We have both said that the decision to fly clear to the other side of the world to adopt Addi was a walk in the park compared to the decision we have come to about not retiring from the military!  And speaking of the aforementioned spicy Hunan girl, she helped ME learn a lesson today.  I have mentioned to you before that in our classroom, everyone learns.  Some of us need remedial lessons.  Some of us have to repeat a course or two. Some of us have to learn on a field trip.  Some of us need the Divine two-by-four across our rear ends every once in a while.  For me, today's lesson was a refresher course about Trust.  Although, I'm not the only one who needs this lesson.  Young One Addi, seems to think that she really does not need to trust anyone but herself.  Questioning authority, in her eyes, reverses any trust she may have put in you and squarely places it back on her shoulders where she likes to lug it around in a backpack, nice and neat.  So here is what happened:

We finish eating breakfast and we have had a lovely little conversation...morning table talk about nothing.  We text Ashlyn, something that we often do, because she is of course, already on the bus.  I begin to load the dishes and start my ROUTINE talk about the day, you know the one...the motivational morning speech, "Okay, Addi. You need to do your five things.  Here's what's on the agenda: I want you to do your work quickly and..."

Addi INTERRUPTS me (no surprise here) and states, with hands on hips and attitude in step, "Right. Just HOW QUICKLY?"
 
I am appalled at the attitude AND I lose my thought process.  My HEAD SPINS ON MY SHOULDERS!! I manage to calmly state, "You just interrupted me!"

She says indignantly and acknowledging the offense, "Yes." Then without missing a beat, Addi, with more attitude, hip swaying, and head cocking,, (because I have now, in her mind, interrupted her thought process), emphatically asks, "HOW QUICKLY? Like, what's my time frame? Do I have until 1pm or what?" (did I mention this was delivered with the attitude and authority of a Supreme Court Justice!)

I say, "What does it matter? I said QUICKLY! You are questioning my authority!"

She then says, very matter-of-factly, "It matters because I want to know how FAST to go.  I mean, like are we going somewhere or something? What does QUICKLY R-E-A-L-L-Y mean? And WHY do I HAVE to do it QUICKLY? Couldn't I just take my time? WHY QUICKLY?"

She has asked an incredibly RIDICULOUS set of questions that is not really inviting an answer of reason, but rather inducing a means of gaining control of a situation in which she perceives to have no control, but in reality, NO Control is due her!  (Did you follow that?)

So, I finally pull out the mother of all answers (no pun intended) and state...."Addi your life would be so much more simple if you heeded the following words TO your life...."BECAUSE MOMMY SAID SO!!!!!!""

I then find my head, put it back on my shoulders, and returned to washing the dishes, completely void of the other things I wanted to tell her, because I of course, have been thrown OFF course by the interruptions of a 10 year old!

And then it hit me. Quite literally, it was as if I received the Divine two-by-four smack between the eyes and it penetrated my heart. In all my stomping and screaming, and crying and wailing, and pleading and slamming, have I been questioning my David's authority and/or ultimately my God's authority?  Have I been posing incredibly RIDICULOUS questions as a means of trying to gain control of a situation in which I perceive to have no control, but in reality, NO Control is due me?   I need to TRUST my David that he has in fact been before God.  I need to understand that my David's decision and statement of "We will NOT retire from the military" holds the same weight as "I want you to do your work QUICKLY."  I should not ask "How?" or "Why?"   I merely need to trust him and TRUST HIM.  I do not need to question my David's authority as head of our family.  That merely interrupts and undermines.  For this I am truly sorry.  I need to apply and heed the words I said to Addi....
"BECAUSE DADDY SAID SO!"  I need to know that that "DADDY" is not only my David, but "DADDY" is also GOD.

I apologized to my David for my Stefi-ness and putting him through the ordeal that is my emotions.  I apologized for questioning his authority.  I have been at the feet of my Jesus apologizing for wanting control and for not trusting in the Sovereignty of the Mighty God I serve who has CONTINUOUSLY reminded me that HE "knows the plans HE has for me."  I'm back in the remedial class.  I've learned another lesson.  If I could only get this issue of Trust down for good.  

Please pray for me.  Please pray for us and our decision. We are headed for another move.  We are headed for another likely deployment sometime in the future.  We are NOT retiring from the military after this assignment.  We are trusting and heading for change.

Plans for Peace

     I have a little bit of catch up to do regarding our lives the past several weeks.  We celebrated Sweet Sixteen, Double Digits, and the Birth of our King!  I have many pictures to post, but right now, I have another thought that is burning in my heart, mind, and soul.  So check back later for a recap of our Birthday Celebrations!

     I wanted to write this entry for many reasons.  First and foremost, I wanted to write this so that I can see the hand of God working specifically in my life and in the lives of my family.  Secondly, our goal this new year is to follow God wherever He takes us and to follow Him wholeheartedly.  We so desire His will for our lives and while we do not always see where He is taking us, knowing that He is the One doing the leading brings a calm over our lives. 

     2011 is going to be a HUGE year of change.  It is odd to sit on this side of change.  Usually, the change occurs and I scramble on the backside of it trying to figure out what to do with my present circumstances.  I so want to be walking hand-in-hand with God this year. This time around, I don't want to be "caught" by change.  I don't want to see it coming and dig my heels in at my present state of mind and place.  Instead, I want to recognize that change is on the horizon, and run head strong to it.  I want to be equipped with knowledge, the love of Christ, the full armor of God, but most of all, the peace of the LORD.

     Our family has decided to claim Jeremiah 29:11 as our verse for 2011.  It states, 

        "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

     I have repeated that verse so many times in the past few days, saying the "I" in a deep, God-like voice and shouting out the "declares" part because it is God demanding of me recognition that HE is in charge.  Oh, how I need the reminder that I am not.

     I told my David last night that I was adding that what I also want is to find peace in the moment.  He said, "sounds very yoga-ish.  Very Zen."  ( I had just returned from a yoga class.)  Maybe it does.  However, the "peace in the moment" thought came to me as I was praying on the way back from aforementioned yoga class.  I kept asking the LORD, "How do I trust You in all of my Stefi-ness when the change is swirling around me and chaos abounds?"

     And in the quiet of my spirit I heard, "Find peace in the moment."  I repeated the words outloud, and wouldn't you know, I did feel peace.

     During the middle of the night, I woke many times, my mind racing with thoughts, to-do lists, chaos, and what-ifs.  On most other nights, I would toss and turn a bit and then roll over and ask my David if he was awake! :-)   But last night, I whispered, "find peace in the moment" and my soul calmed down.  The lists, while still there, seemed to settle themselves.  It was if God was trying to tell me ever so gently, "I've got it and I've got you.  Find peace in this moment.  You will be able to deal with the lists in the morning."

     And He is right.  Here I am.  My lists abound, my thoughts and what-ifs still crowd my head.  But somehow, it all seems less chaotic.  I have even had time to write this entry.  I have had a chance to meditate on the word, "peace".  I was able to find that "peace" is uttered 249 times in the Bible.  I even found another verse that I like so much, I am adding it to the "Verse of the Year!"  2 Thessalonians 3:16 states, 

     "Now may the LORD of peace Himself give you peace at all times and in every way."  

     Did you get that?  God is the LORD of Peace and He gives peace - or Himself- as a gift, at all times and in every way!  Peace is ours for the taking!  I looked up the word "peace" in my concordance for the translation of this particular word.  Here are the definitions:

     "peace, harmony, tranquility, safety, welfare, health; often with an emphasis on lack of strife or reconciliation in a relation, as when one has 'peace with God'."

     Don't you just breathe a little easier when you read those words?  Maybe this is why He uttered to my soul, "Find peace in the moment!"  I decided to join the two verse together to see what they would look like...I don't think the LORD will mind.  They are, after all, His words!  Here's what I came up with.  I think I will commit it to memory!

     "For I, the LORD of Peace, know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, the Giver of peace at all times and in every way. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

     So when my world is in utter chaos and I am trying to come to grips with an impending move for our family, a new job for David, new schools for Ashlyn and Addilyn, unemployment for me (did I mention that I will NOT be homeschooling next year?!), I need to remember that God's got it.

     He has the plans for my future in His hands and the peace to go with it!