Trust

Okay, so as soon as I post my last entry, I am immediately challenged to find peace in the moments of my life.  I fail.  Initially, I would say those words and I would indeed feel peace wash over me.  Incredible feeling!  But then, life happened and I forgot.  I forgot the feeling.  I forgot the words.  I forgot the peace.

What did I remember? Anxiety, stress, worry...and I found it abundantly.  (Hey, when I go looking for something, I go all out!)

So several of you know this, several of you do not.  All of you know from my last post that the Koonce Family is headed for a season of change.  What some of you may not know is just exactly that season of change WAS appearing on the horizon to be.  For the past 2.5-3 months, the Koonce Family has been praying without ceasing (or so it seemed) about a HUGE decision that would affect all of our lives.  And no, it was NOT that we were adopting again! (Whew!)

The big decision that we have been grappling with is whether or not to RETIRE from the military after this assignment.  

For those of us that are either in the military or have been in the military, we know that it is an incredible life.  It takes you to exotic locations, allows you to meet "chosen family", and affords you an opportunity to look at the world and relationships in a way that many people either dream of, or they thank the LORD they are not a part of!  We have been blessed to be associated with the military for 21 years of Active Duty service.  Prior to that, many of you know that my David was a member of the Corps of Cadets and Fightin' Texas Aggie Band at Texas A & M University.  He has been in a uniform from the tender age of 18...26 years of not having to think about what to wear (except on Sunday and then he usually passes his chosen attire by the Fashion Queen and Coordinator...that would be Ashlyn!)

The military has been a world of blessing to us.  It has also been a world of sacrifice.  We have endured 9 moves, 11 homes, 7 deployments, and my David has had 16 Duty Locations.  The current location has a travel schedule that would make anyone not only lose their mind but lose track of the current month and date.  I find myself perpetually standing in front of "Command Central" calendar trying to figure out where my David is going, when he is going, what day he will be back, and by the way, "What day is it anyway?!!?"

That being said, I'm tired.  I'm tired of MANY things (eye rolling, back-talk, disrespect, laundry, toilet cleaning, just to name a few), but I'm really tired of separation.  And I'm REALLY tired of DEPLOYMENTS!!  I HATE them!! I hate them for our family, I hate them for other military families.  My heart breaks when my David leaves.  It breaks when I hear of other service members having to deploy.  I am so VERY grateful for our service members and I pray for their safety everyday.  I pray for the families that are left behind to carry on the mission that is back here on the home front.  I know what they go through.  It is a painful, tearful, worry-filled, tiresome time and mission. I also know that with staying in the military, we are almost guaranteed another deployment.  In fact, statistically, we are almost guaranteed another two deployments.  And statistically, we are almost guaranteed another three moves.  Reread that....1-2 deployments, 3 moves, 5 years.  Do the math. 

So about 3 months ago, God orchestrated several events and conversations that led me and my David to actively, prayerfully, tearfully, worryfully (I know-not a word, but go with it) begin to REALLY think that, we were in fact, going to RETIRE from the military after this assignment. We wanted to make sure that we were praying...just God, my David, and myself...for about a months time. We eventually told a few friends that we were considering it and asked them to fervently pray for us.  Then, we actually started looking into ACAP (Army Career and Alumni Program) meetings.  My David attended several of these meetings, planned out a date of retirement, figured finances, worked on resumes, looked at potential employers, scheduled medical appointments, and above all prayed.  We told our parents and received encouragement and advice from them.  We came to "We will go WHEREVER you want us to go LORD! Send us anywhere, as long as we are in YOUR will."  We fervently prayed for clarity.  We prayed for doors to be closed and THE door to be opened.  It seemed as though God had His hand on everything.  It seemed as though, if there was ever any doubt, God would send a "little coincidence" or "God instance" as my David likes to call them, our way to keep us focused and let us know we were on the right path.  I even replied to a friend that we were "one meeting away from David dropping the paperwork."  We attended that meeting and the "next day" was the next day.  I was ready. I was nervous. I was excited. I was fearful. Above all, I was trusting. Ultimately, I had a dream and it was about to be achieved.  My dream of NO DEPLOYMENTS was about to be executed! I was excited that the cloud of deployment would forever vanish from my sky.  I was nervous about our decision, but I felt that the fear was merely because, for so many years, the Army has told us what to do and we dutifully obeyed and trusted God along the way.  I was able to conquer the nerves and fears with simple thoughts of "No Deployments!"  We were on our way!

And then it all changed.  I'm not even sure anymore of the sequence of events.  I know that a phone call from the assignments branch was either made or received.  I know that my David spoke with two mentors.  I know that numbers were crunched, pros and cons re-examined, wish lists ripped up.  I know that suddenly, a long 4-day weekend turned into 4 LONG days of tears, sleepless nights, screaming, crying, wailing, stomach aches, tears, heart aches, exhaustion, tears, pleading, stomping, door slamming, persuasion tactics, leaving, and even more tears. 

In the end, a statement was made.  We will NOT retire from the military after this assignment.

For me, the cloud of deployment is looming once again over my head. I rejoin the ranks of military spouses who are waiting for their loved one to return or waiting for the orders to come that their loved one is deploying one more time.  Ironically, but not at all any less tragically, we deployed one of our very own soldiers from our battalion just today.  My David is now without his Executive Officer, a wife is without her husband, and two little girls are without their daddy.  My heart is breaking.  And I am praying.

To say I am okay with the decision would give every one of you permission to call me a liar.  I am NOT okay with the decision.  I do not like it one bit. I am angry, crushed, exhausted, frustrated, mad, and sad about the decision.  I feel as though I have been on a roller coaster ride.  Or perhaps it is best described as sitting on the end of a pendulum which has swung from one end of life to the other.  I have never cried so much about something.  I truly think I have reached a point where I could not produce a single tear even if there was a million dollars at stake.  As I told my David, I am gaining acceptance OF the decision, but I have no peace WITH the decision.  

I love my David beyond words.  Our love for one another and for Our LORD has never wavered in this process.  I respect my David beyond any degree that a person could have respect for another individual.  I know that this decision has been one of the most difficult for him to make.  I know and am resting in the fact, that He has been before the very throne of GOD begging for our family.  I know that his responsibility for us is far greater than any responsibility that I may ever have.  He has to answer to GOD on behalf of our family.  I know, that beyond a shadow of a doubt, I would not want to be in his shoes right now.  

We have both said that the decision to fly clear to the other side of the world to adopt Addi was a walk in the park compared to the decision we have come to about not retiring from the military!  And speaking of the aforementioned spicy Hunan girl, she helped ME learn a lesson today.  I have mentioned to you before that in our classroom, everyone learns.  Some of us need remedial lessons.  Some of us have to repeat a course or two. Some of us have to learn on a field trip.  Some of us need the Divine two-by-four across our rear ends every once in a while.  For me, today's lesson was a refresher course about Trust.  Although, I'm not the only one who needs this lesson.  Young One Addi, seems to think that she really does not need to trust anyone but herself.  Questioning authority, in her eyes, reverses any trust she may have put in you and squarely places it back on her shoulders where she likes to lug it around in a backpack, nice and neat.  So here is what happened:

We finish eating breakfast and we have had a lovely little conversation...morning table talk about nothing.  We text Ashlyn, something that we often do, because she is of course, already on the bus.  I begin to load the dishes and start my ROUTINE talk about the day, you know the one...the motivational morning speech, "Okay, Addi. You need to do your five things.  Here's what's on the agenda: I want you to do your work quickly and..."

Addi INTERRUPTS me (no surprise here) and states, with hands on hips and attitude in step, "Right. Just HOW QUICKLY?"
 
I am appalled at the attitude AND I lose my thought process.  My HEAD SPINS ON MY SHOULDERS!! I manage to calmly state, "You just interrupted me!"

She says indignantly and acknowledging the offense, "Yes." Then without missing a beat, Addi, with more attitude, hip swaying, and head cocking,, (because I have now, in her mind, interrupted her thought process), emphatically asks, "HOW QUICKLY? Like, what's my time frame? Do I have until 1pm or what?" (did I mention this was delivered with the attitude and authority of a Supreme Court Justice!)

I say, "What does it matter? I said QUICKLY! You are questioning my authority!"

She then says, very matter-of-factly, "It matters because I want to know how FAST to go.  I mean, like are we going somewhere or something? What does QUICKLY R-E-A-L-L-Y mean? And WHY do I HAVE to do it QUICKLY? Couldn't I just take my time? WHY QUICKLY?"

She has asked an incredibly RIDICULOUS set of questions that is not really inviting an answer of reason, but rather inducing a means of gaining control of a situation in which she perceives to have no control, but in reality, NO Control is due her!  (Did you follow that?)

So, I finally pull out the mother of all answers (no pun intended) and state...."Addi your life would be so much more simple if you heeded the following words TO your life...."BECAUSE MOMMY SAID SO!!!!!!""

I then find my head, put it back on my shoulders, and returned to washing the dishes, completely void of the other things I wanted to tell her, because I of course, have been thrown OFF course by the interruptions of a 10 year old!

And then it hit me. Quite literally, it was as if I received the Divine two-by-four smack between the eyes and it penetrated my heart. In all my stomping and screaming, and crying and wailing, and pleading and slamming, have I been questioning my David's authority and/or ultimately my God's authority?  Have I been posing incredibly RIDICULOUS questions as a means of trying to gain control of a situation in which I perceive to have no control, but in reality, NO Control is due me?   I need to TRUST my David that he has in fact been before God.  I need to understand that my David's decision and statement of "We will NOT retire from the military" holds the same weight as "I want you to do your work QUICKLY."  I should not ask "How?" or "Why?"   I merely need to trust him and TRUST HIM.  I do not need to question my David's authority as head of our family.  That merely interrupts and undermines.  For this I am truly sorry.  I need to apply and heed the words I said to Addi....
"BECAUSE DADDY SAID SO!"  I need to know that that "DADDY" is not only my David, but "DADDY" is also GOD.

I apologized to my David for my Stefi-ness and putting him through the ordeal that is my emotions.  I apologized for questioning his authority.  I have been at the feet of my Jesus apologizing for wanting control and for not trusting in the Sovereignty of the Mighty God I serve who has CONTINUOUSLY reminded me that HE "knows the plans HE has for me."  I'm back in the remedial class.  I've learned another lesson.  If I could only get this issue of Trust down for good.  

Please pray for me.  Please pray for us and our decision. We are headed for another move.  We are headed for another likely deployment sometime in the future.  We are NOT retiring from the military after this assignment.  We are trusting and heading for change.