I lost it today in the Commissary. Flat out, big heap of tears, snorting.
Right there on Aisle 5.
No, it wasn't because it was Pay Day and the place was packed. No, someone didn't mistake the back of my heel for a speed bump. No, it wasn't because I couldn't find my favorite bag of chips.
It was because I was overwhelmed, broken, and convicted with...
all of the choices.
all of the choices.
Now, before you go thinking that I have completely lost it, (which believe me, by the time you are finished reading this, you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt, I truly have lost it!), I need to back up and tell you what has been going on in the crazy world in which I live and function.
Not much.
That's right.
No Crisis. No stress. No pressures.
However, I have had a "Crisis of Belief" lately. Henry Blackaby, of Experiencing God fame, describes a "Crisis of Belief" as "when God invites you to work with Him, this always leads to a Crisis of Belief that requires faith and action. It is a turning point or a fork in the road that calls for a decision. With it, you must decide what you believe about God." So here's my Crisis of Belief...
At the beginning of the year, our family set out to make our yearly goals. You know, things that you hope to accomplish by the end of year's time. You could call them "New Year's Resolutions" but I don't like that. With "Resolutions" come implied failure. I don't want to fail. So, we say "goals". We sit down and think about how we would like to be different in one year's time. When we did this last year, we had the questions of "retirement" looming over us. Since we did not know where we would be, we had the girls list out what they would like our next home/community to look like. Here's the amazing part...GOD answered all of their "goals" AND their "wants and desires". EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM!! To include a house with hardwood floors (Addi wanted this as her #1 desire, #2. a basement, #3. "Lots of kids who will be my friends." Why in this order? Who knows...it's Addi.) We have it all...EVERYTHING on BOTH girl's lists!! GOD IS SO GOOD!! How He blesses us so!!
So back to the "goals" for 2012 and my Crisis of Belief. I listed many things of great importance to me...# 1. begin scrapbooking...check! # 2. Read the Bible in Chronological Order...so far so good! I can honestly say that I have kept up with the reading and God has revealed things to me, (even in Leviticus), that I have never seen, grasped, or even thought of before now. # 3. Begin writing my book...it's in my head, I just have to get it out and onto the paper...I'm still working on this goal! # 4. Read more for pleasure...
check...and pause here.
Here is where my meltdown originated.
Reading more. A seemingly simple goal. Except for one thing. I have weird reading habits. Here's how I read....I get a bunch of books and I read them all at one time. That's right, the same time!! I flit from chapter to chapter in different books. I know it's weird. I'm just ADHD that way!! I get easily bored when I read, so before I flip to the back of the book to see how it ends, I just grab another book and pick up where I left off. It is either weird or it is a talent. I'll go for weird. And non-fiction is my favorite. I will read fiction, sometimes. Especially when someone goes on and on about how great a book is and that I must read it. And here's where you stop and question yourself..."Did I read that correctly above? Is Stefi going to write a book?" Yep, you read that correctly. No telling HOW that thing is going to come out!!
Anyway, I began my reading goal by ordering a bunch of books from Amazon. I arrived at my selection based on a couple of suggestions from friends and Amazon's enticement of "you are just $$$ away from FREE SHIPPING. Might we suggest________" So a couple of days later, my reading list comes, and not a dime was spent on shipping!!! Here's what I ordered:
The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment, by Jeremiah Burroughs
7 An Experimental Mutiny of Excess by Jen Hatmaker
The Treasure Principal by Randy Alcorn
What Women Fear by Angie Smith
Anyone see any common themes? In a nutshell, Rare Jewel is about Contentment, 7 is about getting rid of stuff, TP is about giving stuff away, and the last one...FEAR. Hmmmm..... Think God is trying to tell me something? I begin my flurry of reading a multitude of chapters and God begins to work in my heart.
Here's where He begins...
"Stefi, are you content?"
Okay...nothing like going for the jugular right out of the starting gate!!
"Stefi, you have A LOT of stuff!"
Why, yes I do! And I like it!!
"Stefi, where are your treasures?"
Umm, around me? Right?!
"Stefi, why do you fear?"
Wait a minute!
You're not going to ask me "WHAT I FEAR?, but "WHY?" Is that really fair?
"Stefi, I want your heart to break!"
NOW WAIT A MINUTE!!!!
And then He REALLY begins to work on me. He asks me to count my shoes and my shirts....too many. He asks me to take inventory of my pantry....you purchased how many cans of beans and boxes of cereal? He directs my attention to my linen closet....you own how many sets of towels and sheets and BLANKETS? Really? You live in Kentucky, NOT Alaska!!
But He does not stop there...
Enter the Commissary. Deli Counter to be exact. As I am waiting in line for Lemon Pepper Chicken, sliced thin for sandwiches, it hits me. I have 87 varieties of deli meat starring me in the face. The lady in front of me orders "ham". The deli lady says, "What kind of ham, ma'am? And would you like that sliced or shaved?" Seriously.
And it is here, over lunch meat, that God decides to breaks my heart.
An image of a child flashes across my mind. A child that is hungry. A child that is lonely. Somewhere, that child is not choosing between Lemon Pepper Chicken or Cajun Turkey or Maple Honey Cured Ham. Somewhere that child is eating their only choice for the entire day...
rice.
And that's where I lose it. Right there over lunch meat. I can barely order my pound of Lemon Pepper Chicken sliced thin for sandwiches. The deli lady looks at me strange and asks if I need anything else. I want to shout, "Can you send all of this to Uganda?", but I fear she will call store security. I look at my butcher paper wrapped pound of deli meat and read the price of $8.58 and wonder, "How many children could this amount of money feed?"
Another image of a hungry child flashes in my mind.
"GOD, What are YOU doing to me?" I plead.
My heart aches as I continue down my list and through the aisles wondering as I fill my cart, how many children will feel empty today. How many will go hungry. How many mommas will be unable to give their children anything to eat. I begin to question myself as I put items in my cart..."Do I really need this?" I head to the checkout line. As the cashier totals my bill and announces that I owe $111.53, I look at my 5 bags of groceries and wonder, "How many children could have been fed on $111.53?"
Tears rolling down my face, I shout in my head,
"Oh GOD!! STOP THIS!!"
But I fear that I'm not asking Him to stop the images of children in my head.
I fear that what I will hear is His voice responding.
The bagger and cashier both look at me strange. I am expecting to hear at any minute,
"Clean up on Aisle 5!!!!"
I don't know where this is all going. Amongst the words, "Contentment" and "Excess" and "Treasure" and "Fear", I hear two more words.
It is a whisper...
"Join Me!"
I want to shout back, "Where?" but in my heart I know that "Where?" is not the question, nor is "When?" and neither is "How?" All of these questions will soon be answered.
For now, I need to get a handle on "Contentment" and that it is only found in Jesus, ~
"In whatsoever state I am in, therewith to be content." Philippians 4:11
I need to get rid of excess, ~
"Behold, this was the guilt of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride, excess of food, and prosperous ease, but did not aid the poor and needy." Ezekiel 16:49
I need to understand what I truly treasure, ~
"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:21.
And above all, I need to truly get a hold of my fear, ~
"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding." Proverbs 9:10.
Perhaps if I can focus on these things, I can begin to respond accordingly. So when the time comes, and I know that it is coming soon, the shout that cries...
"Join Me!!"
...maybe then I'll be able to shout right back...
"Here I am LORD! Send Me!!"
In the meantime, if you see me in the Commissary, know that I am probably struggling with a cart full of items and a heart breaking for hungry children. Don't worry.
GOD is dealing with me! I'm a work in progress!
And as a side note, when you see me, could you remind me to pick up a box of Kleenex. Seems I got home after my meltdown, and Kleenex was the one item on my list I forgot to buy.
Kleenex....of all things!
I knew there was a reason I was waiting to read this one! I've been this person in the grocery store and yes, I distinctly felt like I would hear "Clean up on Aisle 5!!!" announced by the way people were looking at me. As an aside: I'll bring more Kleenex next time I come!
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